Rewriting the Rules: Friends, Family and Money

For ages, we’ve been told to never mix money situations with our personal relationships – especially friends and family. It was considered a huge no-no that would inevitably lead to conflicts, resentment, and burnt bridges. 

Loan your buddy some cash? Don’t even think about it. Talk specifics about your finances with relatives? Absolutely not, it’s too private. Suggest splitting a dinner bill any way other than equally? How rude!

The idea behind these strict “rules” was to keep money out of our closest circles to protect those bonds and avoid potential feuds. But let’s be real – in today’s world where we’re being squeezed by insane living costs, piles of debt, and needing to be smarter with our cash, those old-school traditions just don’t make sense anymore. It’s time we rewrote the outdated rules about how we approach money and our loved ones.

Take Loaning Money for Ex

ample

The biggest old-school taboo was never, ever loan money to friends or family members. We were always warned it’s a guaranteed way to trash your relationship. “They’ll never pay you back and then you’ll resent them, just don’t do it!” our parents and grandparents would plead.  

And yeah, I get it – lending cash to loved ones absolutely comes with risks that you have to be careful about, especially if we’re talking large sums. Not getting repaid as promised is awkward AF and can totally blow up your bond.  

But let’s be honest – sometimes our closest friends or relatives hit legitimate hard times where a little short-term loan between trusted people can really help them get through an emergency situation or cover unexpected expenses. 

Rather than completely shutting them out as the old rules insisted, a modern approach is simply to get everything clearly defined upfront.

Put the loan terms in writing – amount borrowed, repayment schedule and late payment penalties if needed, whether interest is charged, etc. Set a firm limit on only lending what you could afford to potentially kiss goodbye if they ghosted on repaying. And have an open convo to make sure you’re BOTH clear on the terms and expectations.

With smart guidelines in place, lending money doesn’t have to be mortally forbidden anymore or mean putting your friendship on the line automatically. It’s all about maturely managing it like you would any other loan situation.

Having Real Money Convos

Another big old rule was that you should never discuss your personal finances and money situations with friends or family because it was considered pry-y and impolite. 

Our parents and grandparents were raised in a different era where things like debt, salaries, investing, and spending habits were very hush-hush taboo subjects that you kept private.

But today’s personal finance experts and therapists are actually pushing back on that tradition of secrecy around money. They recommend being way more open about it all – within reason, of course. Have candid talks comparing budgets and financial goals. 

Be honest about monetary troubles or debts owed. Share investing strategies and what’s working. Get advice and accountability from people whose financial habits you admire.

The idea is taking the weird stigma away from discussing personal finances so we can all be smarter, learn from each other’s methods and mistakes, and not be afraid to ask for guidance or support on money matters with those closest to us.

Just keeping it all hush-hush and avoiding the subjects entirely with loved ones is exactly what leads to making poor decisions and bad money habits going unchecked.

Setting Respectful Boundaries

We’ve all experienced those cringey moments out with friends or family where the check arrives, and certain someone’s waste no time cheerfully suggesting splitting the total evenly…despite having way MORE items and drinks than everyone else. 

Ugh, money grubs much?! Another frustrating one is certain relatives who simply expect you to cover full holiday gathering costs year after year with no return gesture.

These kinds of inconsiderate “money grabs” from loved ones and unspoken assumptions about who pays what were traditionally handled by just politely shutting up and dealing with it to keep the peace. But holding things in like that only leads to bottled up resentment over time.

Today’s emotionally healthier approach is to speak up and reset reasonable money boundaries with loved ones when those unfair situations come up. 

Simply saying something like, “Hey, no worries, I’ll get my portion since I had way less food and drinks. Why don’t we just split the tax and tip?” can realign balanced expectations in a caring way.

Be the one to model respectful money boundaries. You’d be surprised how many of your friends and family will appreciate you taking the lead on that instead of letting things fester.

Bring In the Money Therapists

If your own or a loved one’s money troubles go beyond just occasional loans or awkward split amounts into really serious issues like scary amounts of debt, compulsive spending addictions, poverty mindsets or past financial traumas like bankruptcy or foreclosure – consider seeking help from a financial therapist.

These pros are like financial coaches AND emotional money counselors combined. Their approach combines practical strategies for managing finances with tackling the emotional and psychological hang-ups we develop around money that lead to poor habits. It’s like couples counseling but for your relationship with money itself.

They help identify underlying money issues like unhealthy beliefs about saving or emotional spending triggers. Then build customized action plans to fix them – debt payment plans, budgets, saving techniques, adjusting money dynamics with others, you name it. 

Sometimes we just need an outside perspective to start making smarter, more intentional money moves.

The old-fashioned money rules were created to keep finances out of our personal relationships at all costs since it was considered this inevitable landmine topic. But in today’s world, that outdated approach just doesn’t work. We’re more money-conscious, yet struggle with costs, debts and temptations more than ever.

Having open conversations about money, setting boundaries with loved ones, treating it more practically and getting coached if needed can actually improve our life situation and relationships. It’s time to rewrite the old rules for a healthier, happier approach to personal finance and those closest to us.